i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
