made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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