Im at strip club and am horny
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
