According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
