They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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