Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
