I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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