Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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