I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
