I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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