so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
