I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
