I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
