My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
