this beer tastes like vomit already
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
