i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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