the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
