How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
