The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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