me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
