Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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