god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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