I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
