my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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