....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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