once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
