she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
