making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
