fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
