May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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