well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
