Are we in a gay sports bar?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
