you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Randomize
