Four minutes until I can fart!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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