Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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