The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
