I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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