he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
