I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
