I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
