My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
my being single is dangerous.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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