I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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