Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
