Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
