This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?