whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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