You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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