I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
