i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
