She's like a pop up book from hell.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
