are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
