Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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