my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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