I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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