i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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