Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
