Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
